Phantasy Bar » Database » Sci-Fi/Fantasy » Kindred Spirits: Graduation » Hello Guest [Login|Register] Menu Content Stories - Sci-Fi/Fantasy (10) - General Fiction (2) - Non-Fiction (0) - Humor (0) - Mystery (0) - Thriller (0) - Short Story (0) - Western (0) - Horror (0) Music - Work In Progress (0) - Finished Pieces (0) Kindred Spirits: Graduation was entered by Ten no Ryu on 0202-2222-08080808 at 13:10 Hours and was read 771 times. Description: Here it is. It's rough (when do I ever submit polished work? hee), so be a little kind. Although it has the same basic actions and outcome, this new version of the first chapter is very, very different than the first. I tried to incorporate some of the suggestions I've gotten from my sometimes-readers for JER. The language. It's a little high-flown still, but I did try to make it reasonable. Sylvie just happens to be high-flown herself, and I hope that it returns to a bit more down-to-earth with Naomi's narration. Conflict. It's introduced, right here in the beginning. At least, the very start of it. But I hope it's clear that today is the day something "different" happens. Exposition. This is where I'm a little unsure. This "something different" is a pretty big darn deal to these kids, so I hope the things they're talking about are informative, interesting, and natural-sounding. Adverbs. I killed as many as I could (but I think the adjectives crept up on me). If any of you read this, I have a huge favor to ask. Go ahead and critique me. I will stay out of it and only answer direct questions, but it's still early enough in this project to benefit from some good advice and reactions. If my grammar is really bad or confusing let me know - I'm not worried so much about the technicalities right now, I'm more interested in what you all think of the story and storytelling. For instance, the character descriptions. The conflict. All that. Is it interesting? Could I explain myself better without making this chapter ten pages long? Are you content to keep reading to find out wth is going on? Luv, Ten-chan To the Support-Thread   Powered by JGS-Database Version 2.0.2 © 2002-2005 www.jgs-xa.com Forum Software: Burning Board 2.3.6, Developed by WoltLab GmbH All works are licensed under a Creative Commons License.